Talking ‘Dying Inside’ With Hannah Klein And Lisa Sterle

Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide, suicidal ideation, and depictions of self-harm

Welcome to the table,

Suicide is a thing in this article and the book we’re discussing. While nothing gets super graphic, Dying Inside from Vault Comics’ Headshell imprint does deal with the subject in an open and honest way. This book has a ton of heart and treats the subject matter respectfully, and not just something to be played for shock value. However, I totally understand if you don’t have the spoons to navigate the subject matter. No one, least of all me, will judge you if you jump over to another article right now.

If you like frog monsters I talk a lot about the Froghemoth from D&D at this link. It’s lighthearted and all shades of dorky gaming fun.

Before you go, if you need to go, know you are loved and that there is always someone available if you need to reach out. If you are struggling and want to share your feelings. The suicide and crisis lifeline is 988. You can also text this number. Someone will answer.

If you are still with me, let’s get into it.

As a disabled kid, people constantly thought I was going to kill myself. It was not just random people at the churches my parents dragged me to asking me if my disability was too painful, and if I wanted to just “end it all.” It was also the kids at school who said I should kill myself so I was not poisoning the world with my toxic DNA. School guidance counselors would pull me aside in middle of class to “check in with me” and “rap” about how I was feeling.

Starting in middle school, any time someone in the community “made an attempt” that the school found out about, they would drag me down to a low-lit office and sit me in an uncomfortable chair. Then they’d ask me a bunch of questions about my feelings and my thoughts.

A lot of time it felt like they wanted me to say “Yes, I’m planning on killing myself this weekend but this little chat has stayed my hand… also I have found Jesus and he thinks you are all doing a wonderful job… also I won’t read comic books anymore unless they have angels on the cover and come from the weird store that sells bibles in every color imaginable and more statues of prayer hands that is probably healthy.”

It was so uncomfortable and often I actually found myself feeling bad telling them “Nope, I’m good, I want to see what happens in Ghost Rider next month so… got to stick around for that,” or “I have been writing this D&D campaign and I want to see if my players can survive it so that has me pretty locked into life right now.”

When a close friend of mind overdosed on his grandfather’s pills, they spent weeks just following me around, with weird lingering looks on their faces as if to ask “How about now pal? You thinking about it yet?”

When the other kid in a wheelchair passed away, because sometimes when you are disabled your body just gives up, they made me sit and write about my feelings. Fun fact: We don’t all know each other. I was not even friend with that kid. We had not talked more than a handful of times in the two years I even knew they existed because we were both in and out of school having surgeries and had vastly different schedules. I did not want anything to happen to them but the kid was a stranger to me.

Yet I was still supposed to conjure some kind of emotional journal entry about the situation to sooth the nerves of weird adults who were hyper focused on saving me from myself, when in reality I needed saving from so many other things happening to me at the time.

Now… I’m not going to lie and say I was fine. I was not fine by any stretch of the imagination. I was a disabled nerdy kid in a super religious household whose life was being dictated by people who thought an invisible sky-man was going to save us by melting everything in radiant fire and teleporting all those who he deemed deserving away to a conservative dance party where there was no touching below the waste.

I was dealing with people who rented some random Anime VHS tape and decided from whatever they saw on it, whether it was Voltron, Thundercats, and anything else that vaguely resembled any of those things were somehow evil. I was not allowed to watch them any more for fear of me being corrupted.

It was not a fun place to be in as a kid. I’m not even going top bring up the pain of various invasive surgeries, the limitations of having a degenerative mobility disability. Or that the majority of the people in my life only seemed to want me around as a prop when it served them or their message of salvation, determination, or whatever other inspiration themed nonsense they were pushing.

I would be lying to you all if I said I had not researched how to kill myself easily and painlessly on more than a few occasions. The thing is, I knew I was just doing the research to know I could do it. To have that sense of control over something when I felt like I had zero control over my body, my life, or, at the time, my afterlife, as it was a matter of regular discussion.

I needed to know I was staying around and surviving, in spite of all the bigotry and hate and ignorance that was surrounding me. I needed to know it was my choice that I was going to stay as long as I could, and create as much as I could to balance the scales out of spite against the world I had found myself in. That world seemed to be very interested in taking away people’s freedoms and sense of self for no other reason than their imaginary bearded friend told them to.

When I was a kid, comics and D&D saved me. They served as my anchor point. When I finally got out of that situation and had a chance to explore my own wants and likes, music and film came into the mix. I found comfort in creativity and hearing the stories and ideas others were putting out there about their lives and their experiences. Stories and storytelling were my motivation. Hearing them, telling them, and learning from them. I was always on the look out for a good story.

This brings me to the segue where I get to sit down and talk to two very talented creators who worked very hard to bring a story about suicide to the masses. Those creators are Hannah Klein and Lisa Sterle, and their upcoming graphic novel is Dying Inside, from Vault Comics.

My pal Eliot Rahal has been quoted, saying that this book is “Simultaneously one of the most adorable and disturbing things I’ve read in my life.”

The wildly talented Sally Cantirino said “Dying Inside is a bubblegum emo-goth swirl of depression, obsession, love, and self-discovery.”

I’m a fan, I’m happy this book exists, and you can find the interview with Hannah and Lisa below.

Anton: Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today. Dying Inside follows Ash, a 16-year-old girl who sees the release of death as the easiest route to relief. She picks her perfect outfit, a bop-filled soundtrack, and orders a beautiful blade that she tapes to her door to impale herself on as her last act in the land of the living.

What was the initial spark or idea that led you to create a comic centered around witches, music, and suicide?

Hannah: Originally I actually had this idea as a film plot! I’m not sure what exactly sparked it – I’ve always been a huge fan of Jennifer’s Body, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer and I feel like they blended in my head for so many years and this eventually popped out. 

Lisa: Hannah gets all the story credit here — I came in after the idea was developed to work on the art!

Anton: As someone who has been to more Fall Out Boy shows than I can count, the involvement of Pete Wentz in this project is also really exciting. How did that collaboration come to be?

Hannah: I met Pete a few years ago when we collaborated on a Snapchat short series called Everything’s Fine. We worked really well together and have been collaborating ever since! Considering I’ve been a fan of his since I was like ten, it’s always surreal when I remember we work together.

Lisa: Hannah gets the credit for that as well! I’ve been working with Vault Comics for a few years now and they approached me with the pitch with Pete already attached. As a long time Fall Out Boy fan, of course I had to say yes! Of course it was perfect that the story was absolutely up my alley as well.

Anton: The musical influences on this story are everywhere, so much so there is a Spotify playlist Vault put out (link) with some of my recent favorites like “Heart Attack Man”, “Daisy Grenade”, and the late Elliott Smith whose name is invoked by our protagonist Ash, and seems to serve as the proverbial inspiration for her self removal from this world to the next. Can you elaborate on how music serves as a narrative device as the story was coming together?

Hannah: I think anyone who is deeply affected by music can understand how it colors in the moments of our lives. I guess I just wanted to add a layer of connection between the reader and Ash. Listening to the music she’s listening to helps you get in her head in a special, unique way. 

Lisa: I often listen to music when working on comics, and the soundtrack to this was such a great blend of things I love now, and music I loved when I was Ash’s age. I also snuck my fair share of musical easter eggs into the artwork as well.

Anton: What I love so much, aside from the brilliant shape language and honed lines present in the sequentials of this story (and let me nail that point home again the art is brilliant), is the color work that flourished throughout.

The use of color is so rich and curated that it feels more than just intentional, it’s inspired. Was this something that was plotted out alongside script creation or was this something that evolved once the story had been laid out in words?

Hannah: Lisa, Pete, and I all talked before Lisa began working on the art and after I sent her some inspiration (which included a lot of manga) she came up with the brilliant color scheme that you see now! 

Lisa: Thank you so much for the kind words! The way I worked with color in this book started in the first comic I ever made, Long Lost. I had been waiting for a project since then in which I could experiment with limited color, and really pull in my love of manga as well through screen tones.

It’s ended up a sort of marriage of manga stylization and classic graphic novel coloring. The wonderful thing about graphic novels is you get to work with the entire story at once, so I could adjust color schemes and utilize color as symbol throughout the work much more easily.

Anton: Many of us have experienced loss from suicide and the life-altering effects it can have on one’s life and the lives of all those involved. What message or impact do you hope readers will take away from the story’s exploration of suicide?

Hannah: I think I wanted to make something that didn’t slap a bandaid on the subject and say “just live!” Because that’s not reality. But I do hope the frankness and humor I used in writing about it adds a little sugar with the medicine of like. “If you feel this way, I understand, but maybe just give it another day…then another…then another… ok one more…and see where you end up.”

Lisa: There are so so many of us that struggle with depression and possibly thoughts of suicide as well, especially in this current day and age where hopelessness can often feel like the only thing left. I think humor, and community and art are important ways in which we can cope and feel seen and at best, find some hope and beauty within that.

Anton: Shrimps, Ash’s cat gets kicked out of the room before she makes her attempt. As someone who has cats, I loved that touch as I would never subject my tiny demons to anything traumatic if I could help it. Is Shrimps based on an actual pet? 

Hannah: Yes!!!! She’s based on my little hairless cat, Summer. She is the light of my life and has gotten me through so many hard times. I love you, sum!!

Anton: The tool Ash has chosen to end her life is a very ornate dagger she picked up from Etsy (not a sponsor). I get most of my stuff from Etsy from notebooks to the stickers for my record player, and a ton of gaming stuff for D&D night, my favorite being these little blind bags of dice. What’s your favorite random thing you have picked up from Etsy? 

Hannah: Oh gosh. I’m such an Etsy fiend. Some of my favorite purchases have been a vintage Oasis shirt, a rhinestone anklet featuring a human tooth, and a slew of vintage Playboys that I turned into a wall art installation in my living room during the pandemic (I had major cabin fever….as we all did.) 

Lisa: I love to hunt down extremely specific merch, like a sew-on patch featuring the The Slaughtered Lamb pub sign from the movie American Werewolf in London. 

Anton: Ash tracks down the teenage witch, Liv, who sold her the immortality-inflicting dagger, and the two of them set off on an adventure to break the curse and allow Ash the death she so desperately craves. What was the inspiration for Liv?

Hannah: I think for me, Liv and Ash kind of represent two different sides of myself, Ash being the pessimist and Liv being the optimist. People are multi faceted and in comics, it’s easy to break up one person into multiple characters due to the nature of the medium. In reality, liv and ash make up one balanced soul, the yin and yang, etc. 

Lisa: Design-wise, I really wanted a bubblegum pink anime-loving cutie pie to contrast Ash’s grungy emo gloom and doom. Low-key inspired by Marceline and Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time.

Anton: Without any spoilers, what was your favorite part of the story to bring to life through written or drawn lines?

Hannah: Honestly, I just loved writing Ash’s voice so much. I find her so delightful despite her angst. 

Lisa: There are quite a few really beautiful emotional moments between Ash and Liv, and I am someone that loves to draw characters feeling deeply and expressing themselves. There’s also an sequence at a music hall that I pulled in a bit of my love of pro-wrestling for the action beats. It was super fun.

Anton: Aside from being a beautifully crafted story with a ton of heart where every panel feels intentional and full of emotional weight, what do you want the reader to take away from this story?

Hannah: I think for me, I just want at least one reader to feel seen, heard, supported, and joined in their experience. But also, if you just have a good time reading it, that would make me happy too!

Lisa: Absolutely in agreement with Hannah here. Whether you struggle in the same ways that Ash and Liv do, or just want to root for them and enjoy their story and friendship, that’d be great. I think all former angsty teenagers and current angsty teenagers would very much enjoy it too.

Anton: As we wrap up, please let our readers know where they can keep up with you in the social spaces and if you can talk about them, what projects you have on the horizon. 

Hannah: I’m continuing to work on developing some film projects. I also creative direct for the band Daisy Grenade! Check them out!

Lisa: I’m on IG @lisasterle! Otherwise, I’m always doing cool comic book covers and am working on a sequel to the graphic novel Squad, written by Maggie Tokuda-Hall.

Anton: Thank you so much for your time. This book hits home in a lot of ways for me, and as someone who has been stopped at shows for the Dying Inside shirt Vault gifted me at NYCC in 2023, I know the excitement for this book is big and I don’t think anyone will be disappointed when they pick up a copy. 

Until next time, thank you if you have stuck with me this far. This was a real weighty feature to put together and I’m very grateful for people like Hannah, Lisa, and Pete (Thanks Pete) and the team over at Vault who bring us these kinds of stories.

My hope is that the people out there who need to read them to feel seen get a chance to read them. Also that the people who need perspective get a chance to read them. I can tell you first hand that a story can save a life.

Again, it’s okay if you are having the thoughts that you are having and if you if you need to reach out. If you are struggling and want to share your feelings the suicide and crisis lifeline is 988. Call or text, 24 hours. Someone will answer.

Take care of yourself and hopefully we will talk again real soon.