Welcome to the table,

Workshop Wednesday is my little slice of the day where I can dive into all sorts of things related to Games Workshop. Today we are going to get way more lighthearted with the ultimate manifesters, da’ Orks!

There is something so freeing about the Orks. Warhammer 40,000 is, famously, a setting where almost everyone is having the worst time imaginable. Humanity is set upon from all sides by horrors from this reality and other adjacent realities full of all manner of tentacles and plague grandpas way too into gardening. On top of that, the galaxy is on fire, ancient gods are eating souls, some of the Space Marines get these really complicated feelings about duty and honor, and someone somewhere is probably having to spend 12 to 17 hours every day with no weekends writing reports about all of this and getting yelled at because the reports are not detailed enough. It’s just … awful.

And then the Orks arrive!!!

These guys show up, look around at the apocalypse, grim with seven dozen enormous teeth (some stolen from other Orks) and apparently think to themselves, “Yeah … this’ll be a right laugh.”

That’s what makes the Orks in Warhammer 40k so much fun! In Armageddon, the new 40k box set, there are over 30 brand-new Orks, ranging from the enormous Warboss to the chaotic little Gretchin, all showcasing that they are not merely a species that happens to enjoy war. War is their idea of a fun afternoon.

For those not read in on the Orks of 40k, they have what could be, if the rumors are true, the raddest biology in the grim dark future. Orks are plants. No, that’s not a joke. They reproduce through spores.

What that means is that when an Ork wanders through a place, it can quite literally — just by being alive and wandering about — be seeding a whole new army as it goes.  Their lifecycle goes: fungi, Squigs, Snotlings, Gretchin, and Orks.

That means Orks can invade a planet.

You can fight the Orks.

You can defeat the Orks.

You can kill all the Orks.

You can go home and celebrate your hard-won victory…and somewhere out there, under a pile of rubble or tucked under some random trash on the side of a bombed-out city, there is a bit of fungus going, “Oi … give it a minute … I got something for you.”

It’s one of the funniest and wonderfully unhinged things in all of Warhammer 40,000, and it actually brings me joy every time I think about it. Orks don’t just live somewhere…they kinda grow on it. It’s like the mold that crops up on your leftovers, except rather than green and white fluff on a bit of cheese, it’s a big old thing with teeth and a comprehensive understanding of how to build a tank and guns from whatever random nonsense they find scattered about the landscape.

Now, all of this nonsense does not mean they don’t have culture. Orks, depending on who’s telling the story, believe they are descendants of Krork, an ancient species of giant warriors who are pals with the Old Ones. The Krork were built to be weapons who could go up against the Necrons and other assorted horrors that were bothering the Old Ones. If you ask an Ork where they come from, they will probably tell you, “We was always ‘ere,” and kick you in the head.

What makes that amazing is that they actually believe that, and the fact that they believe it in a weird, sideways sort of space magic and manifestation makes it true. That is the true power of the Ork. If these hulking, hungry, war-loving warriors believe in something enough, it just … is. This power is not honed or focused in any way. It’s not like some comic book story where the plucky hero believes in something and the magic green ring gives them the ability to conjure giant boxing gloves or space ships or something.

This level of manifestation is more an exercise in “Don’t know, just works.”

Orks think red things go faster, so things they paint red … just go faster. It’s weird and existential and has some nuance, but in the honest-to-truth meta lore of the Warhammer 40,000 universe, a world full of epic stories and complex lore, with tons of novels, video games, and gaming books, the long and short of it is really as simple as “Da’ red ones go real fast.”

Gretchin

Gretchin, or Grotz as they are sometimes called, are the smaller form of Orks. Think those little plants that one lady has on her desk at the office as opposed to that big plant that sits outside the boss’s office. Gretchins are more cowardly than normal Orks and are typically used to do things like clean minefields, serve as living shields, or get shoved into the treads of a Space Marine’s Rhino to slow it down.

They can also work as distractions, raiders, scavengers, thieves, and in a pinch they are a tasty treat for a hungry Ork who is out of rations and needs a snack. In the Armageddon box, you get 10 of these little monsters, and each one has two built-in options so you can customize them to fit your vibes.

Boyz

The Boyz are the core units of an Ork army. 20 of these boys come in a box, and they have a slew of heads, cosmetic options, and weapons for you to piece together to get your forces feeling like your very own.

The Boyz come with a Boss Nob who has a kombi-rokkit or kombi-shoota as build options. This is the quintessential Ork force, locked, loaded, and ready for the Waaagh… that’s war to Orks … though let’s be really real, if you heard a bunch of Orks screaming “Waaaagh!!!!” you would feel like “Yep… war has come.”

Weirdboyz

Next up in the Armageddon Box set is the Weirdboyz. These guys have unchecked psychic powers that can result in some really pretty explosions of Warp energy across the battlefield or, if the dice tell the story, cause the heads of half your Ork units to explode. It’s really just whatever happens sometimes. Sometimes they teleport. Sometimes they bite the head off a Space Marine. Sometimes they just scream while staring into the flames of tire fire. It’s really anyone’s guess what will happen with these guys from round to round.

Painboyz

Next up on the stack are the Painboyz. These guys are ready and willing to mend any Ork’s wounds with the power of staples and “Er’ put some of dis on it, should ‘eall you right up.”

It’s a type of medical practice that can be used on both friends and foes with equally horrific results. Accompanying the Painboy is a Grot orderly who does about as much harm as good, a fact that makes him the perfect companion to the Painboy.

Bannernob

The Bannernob is a key player in Ork culture. These are the guys who get the Orks excited for the next fight. They have a big old banner that is decked out with various glyphs and scraps of cloth and metal. They stand somewhere up high or out front where all the Orks can see them, and they chant, scream, shout, and yell while wielding the banner in jubilant celebration of the chaos and conflict to come.

The mini in the Armageddon box has tons of cool sculpt bits and a big blank space on the banner for you to do your own Ork glyphs or to use some of the water transfer decals to make it uniquely you.

Bigboss

The Bigboss is the number two of an Ork army. That’s because they are the second biggest, the second strongest, and the second toughest Ork, so they get to be the second in command. You see what I keep telling you? I’m not making this up. Orks just work because they think, and it is.

The Big Boss also wants to be the number one, so they get real good at stomping and chopping things on the battlefield to get stronger and prove to all the other Orks that they are the best and will one day be in charge.

Warboss

The number one is the Warboss. The Warboss is the biggest, strongest, meanest, toughest Ork in their clan. This is why they are the Warboss. The one that comes with the Armageddon box set has a really nice shoota and choppa for all the hacking and blasting they get into when running into the middle of the battlefield and mixing it up with any Space Marine who finds themselves in the Warboss’ path.

Wartrakk

The Orks can cobble a bunch of scraps together, paint it with checks and flames, and get it to go faster than anyone can imagine across the battlefield. A perfect example is the Wartrakk. It is a very fast, lightly armored, rocket-laden warbike that serves as a quick-strike contraption that causes havoc across the field of play.

Big Mek Dakkarig

It would not be an Ork party if there was not some kind of stomping mecha monstrosity. The Big Mek Dakkarig is a bipedal heavy weapons platform that shambles around the battlefield, lobbing clouds of rockets and hails of bullets from their blitzkannons, while the pilot grins from behind a shimmering force field that none of us actually understand how it works. If you asked an Ork, they would tell you, “It just do,” and be done with it.

The Armageddon box delivers not only 1 softcover Core Rulebook, 1 starter set handbook, and 2 double-sided reference sheets, 13 Space Marines, and some rad terrain, but you also get 33 Orks ready to be put together, painted, and unleashed with rad shootas and an unhinged belief that they will win because they believe in themselves.

Until next time, believe in yourself … You never know exactly what you can accomplish when you do!