Punisher Gift Zone: Gifts Ideas For Kids

by Koom Kankesan

Summary

Even a Punisher has a list of people he needs to buy gifts for at the end of the year — much to his own amazement. So this holiday season, Frank Castle takes a look at the best options in Punisher Gift Zone, a thoroughly tongue-in-cheek guide to gifting.

Frank Castle here. You may know me as “The Punisher” from the time I used to wage war on crime, drug fiends, and the underclass. Since my Netflix show was cancelled, I haven’t had much to do and so, Comicon.com asked me to write a series of columns recommending nifty holiday gift ideas.

This week’s column isn’t about buying and giving children (that would be human trafficking and would definitely put you on the Naughty List); it’s about what to buy for people who have kids. I don’t understand why people think I wouldn’t be good with children. I love kids. My whole thing, why I do what I do, is because my wife and kids were shot down during an innocent family picnic in Central Park. So innocent. There was pink lemonade, cherry ice cream cake, animal crackers, those fruit roll ups that aren’t really fruit roll ups and are called something else but I always forget their name… until the mafia ruined everything… I digress – I love kids. I love kids so much that when I’m chasing bad guys in my battle van, sometimes I’ll see a lady pushing a stroller across the street and I’ll come to a screeching halt. I’ll jump out and pat the baby on the head before resuming the chase. I love kids so much the prison psychiatrist advised me to begin letting the painful memories of my kids go; so I broke his arm. Don’t have kids of your own? Let Uncle Frankie tell you what to buy for your friends that do.

 

Your friends have a baby that just won’t stop crying? The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer might help them understand why. Claiming to be clinically tested to a 90% degree of accuracy, this console has different lights that will distinguish between the different reasons your baby might be wailing. Lighted buttons will tell you whether the baby is Sleepy, Stressed, Hungry, Annoyed, or just Bored.

For every eight year old that dreams of being a future marksman (or woman!), buy the Hover Shot Floating Target Game. This base holds five styrofoam target balls which once turned on, blows a current of air, making the balls levitate and float. The little toy gun (did you notice the skull on it already?!!) is loaded with foam darts and is accurate to about 12 feet. The little nipper can improve her/his skills by rotating the green dials to adjust the height of the balls and increase the difficulty. It also kind of looks like a mini-menorah!

And finally the teenagers… during the eighties and nineties, I pretty much spent all my time ferreting out street gangs but now I realize that they’re just misguided youth. What is The Punisher if not progressive? The teens seem all about distraction these days so why not get that sullen, bleary eyed, fidgety offspring something festive to distract him/her during the long holiday dinners? Walmart offers the Booraho Unlimited Flip Decompression Cube with a Christmas theme to keep those hands occupied. Endless amusement in the palm of one hand means the other one is left free for eating, not fighting!

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